It’s being reported that twenty-four carat pumkin-headed gobshite and one hundred percent buffoon, Donald Trump, asked his wife, Melania, to telephone into work this morning to say her husband ‘Won’t be in today as he’s not feeling very well. He’s got all the symptoms of a really bad cold and is in bed. He’s feeling so bad that he’s asked me to call in for him as he just not well enough himself. It’s a really stinker. Dreadful.’

The news comes in the light of massive overnight falls in American stock markets, and many pundits are saying that rather than suffering from an actual illness, Mr Trump is in fact ‘throwing a sickie’ and laying low; too embarrassed to face the media after all his previous boasting when he took the credit for Wall Street riding high at artificially inflated levels.’

It’s not known how long The President will be incapacitated but the general view is that once the markets settle down and traders make all the usual quick killings at the misfortune of others, he will be back in the spotlight again, doubtlessly claiming that he singlehandedly has steadied the ship.