Joey Essex offers to mediate in US Election row

Reality TV star, Joey Essex, has broken his silence by wading into the ‘did Russia interfere with the 2016 American election debate’ by offering to mediate between ‘Moscow and that orange geezer wiff the funny barnet.’

Speaking to reporters he said: “I fink it’s well bad. People should just be friends and not go kicking off about this and that. Know what I mean? Though that matey Putin’s a right proper geez ain’t he, like? Mind, I don’t know naffink about the issues. I’ve only just recently learnt to tie my shoelaces. But not being funny, my lack of savvy on the salient issues shouldn’t preclude me from having a valid view. Should it?’

And there was support for the lovable simpleton from an unlikely quarter in the form of Foreign Secretary, Boris Johnson. ‘Mr Essex represents the view of the man on the Clapham Omnibus, and the diplomatic world ignores his homespun wisdom at its peril. Indeed Mrs May is thinking of bringing him into government as Tsar for the Common Man’s Opinion, following the success of our last populist move when we engaged Mary Portas to save the nation’s failing high streets.’

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