As part of a shake up at register offices across the UK, a leaked memo has revealed Registrars have been instructed to disallow parents naming their children ‘poncy’ and ‘arty-farty’ names from January next year.

So out will go the likes of Oscar, Max and St John for boys, while for girls, Octavia, Camilla and Allegra will no longer be acceptable. Instead the memo suggests parents be ‘gently encouraged’ to choose more down-to-earth alternatives like Darren, Wayne, Sharon or Febreze.

And it doesn’t end there, because singled out for particular attention are celebrities who will be no longer able to call children names like Ocean, India, Moon Unit or Storm. Indeed should a celebrity even attempt to register, what the memo calls, ‘one of these ludicrous names’ they will face criminal charges of child cruelty and could even end up in prison if they refuse to back down.

Government spokesman, Giles Goodray Wilmington-Chivers told reporters: ‘These fancy names are becoming divisive and causing unrest and petty jealousies in some quarters. Already Jacob Rees-Mogg has agreed to support the move and have his name changed by deed poll to Gary Spanner.