Academic paper claims Shakespeare never existed

Infinite monkey theorem just may not be too far off the mark after all, because a new academic paper is claiming virtually everything William Shakespeare was credited with having written was in fact composed by an infinite number of extra-terrestrial monkeys with laptops, and that The Bard never existed at all.

Author of the paper, Professor Neville Marsh explained: ‘Of course these space monkeys did not write in English but used their own monkey language. This was then translated by a Starfleet universal translator brought here by a visiting race of aliens from the future, and after sifting through millions and billions of pages what we have now is the complete Shakespeare canon. And trust me, I’m not mad I tell you. NOT MAD!! Mwuahahahahahahahaha!’

Professor Marsh has posted online what he says is one of the monkey manuscripts that was subsequently translated into Shakespeare’s iconic ‘to be or not to be speech’

Eek eek, eek eek-eek-eek
Eek eek eek eek-eek
Eek eek eekler eek eek eek eek eeke
slings eek arrows eek eekrageous eek….

But top luvvies and big fans of The Bard are not convinced: ‘Methinks this soundeth like so much ado about nothing. Forsooth! A ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!’ quipped a sceptical Sir Ken Branagh.

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