In a poll conducted with people able to add ten plus ten and come up with the correct answer, so-called ‘Survival expert and Bushman’, Ray Mears, and his many TV shows have been voted the most irrelevant programmes ever.

Presenting the poll’s results to media journalists its author, Alan Davenport said: ‘The game is finally up for Ray. Survival skills and Bushcraft are of no practical use whatsoever to the average viewer.  If yu’re living in a flat in Newcastle what use are they? In fact research conducted when compiling our poll shows us that these ‘skills’ are relevant to around no more than 0.0000000000000000000000001% of the viewing public. Why this nonsense has been foisted on us all for so long now is a mystery.’

‘It’s perhaps a testament to Ray’s ongoing TV survival (ho-ho) that he’s been able to pull the wool over our eyes, remain on our screens and draw a nice big fat wage packet for years and years, peddling what is no more than 1950s style Boys Big Book of Knowledge drivel to a contemporary audience.’

However a defiant Mears has hit back. Writing in Jungle & Bushcraft Weekly he said. ‘I’m going nowhere and can assure everyone I’m planning many more shows. All I can say is I hope the next time Mr Davenport is stranded in the most remote area of The Amazon Jungle, with nothing but a small pile of lizard shite, half a dead rat and a dollop of alligator semen he manages to somehow emerge alive and well.’