In a bid to regulate the amount of antiques based shows being broadcast on Britain’s TV channels, a group of key broadcasters are signing up to a nonproliferation agreement.

A media spokesperson said: ‘It is becoming a real cause for consternation, what with Bargain Hunt, Antiques Roadshow, Cash in the Attic, Flog it and Dickinson’s Real Deal all seemingly being broadcast wall-to-wall and day-in-and-day-out; not to mention the many others that are littering our schedules. We are concerned that before long viewer’s brains will be turned to mush watching such bland and formulaic pap.’

But king of the antique shows, perma-tanned David (The Duke) Dickinson, has hit back. Speaking in his trademark third person he argued: ‘What does the Duke think about this? Well I can tell you he’s not one bit pleased. The Duke is nothing short of livid at what he sees is a blatant attack on The Duke being able to earn his livelihood. So if you agree and would like to show your support form him then phone in on this premium rate number and leave your name and address to have a chance of winning £10,000.’

Meanwhile Fiona Bruce who currently hosts two of the highest profile shows on BBC 1, Antiques Roadshow and Fake or Fortune, has entered the fray. Speaking on The One Show she purred: ‘Hey there, look at at me! You all love me don’t you? Of course you do! I’m so goddam cool and sexy. It’s true isn’t it? You know it is. Antiques are sexy. I’m sexy. What’s not to like? Phoarrr! You all love it. Of course you do! Don’t deny it all you naughty cheeky boys out there.’