Following the suspected KGB attack on former Russian double agent, Sergei Skripal, in Salisbury, its understood that UK’s Government and Intelligence Agencies have demanded that James Bond be drafted in to lead the operation to hunt down the culprit or culprits.

One of our top MI 5 bods, Hugh Reid, says: ‘Bond is the man to get this job done. He’s more slippery than an eel and will be able to infiltrate this rogue cell or whatever it is. OK, so it’s going to cost us an extra few quid on Martinis, but that will be a small price to pay to get these people safely off our streets. Just as long as he doesn’t trash too many cars or blow up helicopters, rockets and shit.’

It’s believed that Bond is the only man in Britain licensed to use Polonium 210 which he keeps hidden inside a ballpoint pen. ‘One microscopic squirt of that gear and enemies are toast.’ says Mr Reid. ‘We spoke to our American counterparts who have assured us that the only thing that stops a bad guy with a supply of Polonium is a good guy with even more Polonium.’

Bond is now assembling a crack team of unfeasibly glamorous women to assist him, and to also behave with total impunity, in a cavalier and uncomfortably misogynistic way towards them.

President Trump who has been monitoring developments closely in order to assess what, if indeed any, impact the incident has on US safety, was playing golf.