Mary Berry named as replacement for Queen Mum

National treasure, Mary Berry, is said to be ‘delighted’ following an announcement by Buckingham Place that she is to be drafted into the Royal Family as a replacement for the late Queen Mum.

Said a spokesman: ‘She’s nice and loved by one and all, and a dab hand at snipping ribbons and waving too.’

Berry’s appointment brings to an end much speculation that perhaps after sixteen years vacant, the Royals were going to leave the post of nation’s favourite Nana unfilled. But royal watcher, Crambourne de Villers says: ‘It was never an option, and now the key post has been recruited with Mary in the team, the simple man can once more be heartened as he starves in his inner-city tower block eking out a miserable existence in abject poverty.’

Mary herself lost no time getting into the swing of the role as she faced the press and public on Horse Guards Parade following the announcement. She waved regally to the crowd and her warm silvery smile twinkled and glittered just like it’s been doing all her life. Husband and wife couple Bill and Edna Pox, noses pressed against the railings and dressed in bin bags and assorted rags, sobbed with pure joy as sprightly Mary handed each of them a tiny slither of Lemon Drizzle Cake before passing through the gates of Buckingham Place to enjoy a slap-up dinner of Swan Pie.

‘I tell you what, Mary’s a proper diamond,’ sobbed Jim, as he choked down crumbs of cake, before adding, ‘Gawd bless ‘er!’

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