A desperate race is on to find an urgent cure for a virus that’s wreaking havoc throughout the UK’s media community, that if not checked, could soon see some of our best-loved presenters disappearing from our TV screen for ever.
The infection named, Chronic Sycophantosis, believed to be a new mutant strain of Arselickus Regnum, commonly known as boot-lickers tongue, has resurfaced with vengeance and has already struck down some very high profile victims, with Eamonn Holmes, Ruth Langsford and Holly Willoughby all believed to be among its notable casualties.
Dr Barney Lingholm of London’s St Mary’s Hospital, Paddington, explains, “We believe the catalyst for this new outbreak has been the upcoming Royal Wedding later this year. Our presenters have been working flat-out simpering, fawning and groveling over related news items and unwittingly subjecting themselves to dangerous levels of crass sucking-up to the Royal Family in general.’
‘Quite frankly we believe that it’s impossible for anyone to remain immune when subjecting themselves to the amount of sickening servile forelock-tugging that they have all been indulging in since Harry and Meghan’s engagement was announced. Something had to give. It was simply inevitable. But now we have a race against time to find an antidote.”
Meanwhile prayers for the speedy recovery of our much loved stars will be offered in churches throughout the country this weekend, as nobody wants to see them replaced permanently with the likes of Dermot O’Leary, Paddy McGuinness or, in a worst case scenario, Gregg Wallace.