In a bid to halt profits plunging even further than today’s catastrophic 77% drop, troubled retail and grocery giant John Lewis has announced that it is to immediately cut all luxury product lines from its Waitrose branches the length and breadth of the country.

So out will go the likes of expensive Duchy Original Royal Swan-based food ranges, and the once-popular Unicorn Horn Powder will disappear from shelves also.

However the most high profile loser in the proposed shake-up looks set to be molecular gastronomist, and some would say total chancer, Heston Blumenthal.

The Bray-based barmpot boffin chef’s, 500% more expensive than everyone else’s sponsored product lines, are to be replaced by a new Greasy Spoon Caff range, when it’s hoped dishes like Spam Fritter and Beans on Bubble and Squeak, costing £1.50 and serving a family of four, will get the tills ringing again.

Unconfirmed reports suggest that the retailer’s longstanding ban of admitting people with tattoos into stores is to be lifted, and that there will also be rails provided at entrances specifically designed for tying up dangerous dogs when the new demographic of customers investigates the possibility of shopping there.

Meanwhile a spokesman for discount supermarket, Aldi, was unable to say anything coherent as he was laughing so much.