After countless years of it infesting our Saturday Evening schedules, today in an amazing interview, Simon Cowell admits for the first time, that The X Factor was never anything to do with finding anyone with true musical ability, but was in fact nothing more than an elaborate high-budget karaoke contest designed to make him even wealthier than he was previously, and that’s why he refuses to scrap it despite ratings tumbling year after year.

Speaking in The Daily Mail he said: ‘Look, this thing rakes me in millions each year along with my Opportunity Knocks ripoff show, so why should I stop either? These kids who ‘win’ X Factor go on to have a fabulous life doing everything I tell them to. If they don’t, or foolishly start to believe that they have any inherent talent themselves then we simply go our separate ways, that is once lawyers get any advances, other disbursements and expenditure my company has spent on their careers back for me.’

When then accused of  a callous and dispassionate approach  towards contestants he hit back. ‘I refute that suggestion in the strongest possible terms. I have been responsible for setting so many household names on the road to stardom. For a start there’s… erm… oh, what’s her name. You know that Scottish girl, come on you know who I mean! And then of course there’s old matey boy, the kid with the really irritating laugh and buck teeth, he’s actuall not a bad singer…erm… ohhhhh…what’s his face…’