Following the recent departure of Henry Bolton as 20th UKIP leader since Nigel Farage, Donald Trump has asked prime time talent show supremo, Simon Cowell, to try and resolve the ongoing ludicrous shambles by rush-releasing a new show into ITV Spring schedules.
Mr Trump a one time close friend of Farage said: ‘UKIP’s a swell party, a great party. The best party, FACT! And it makes me sad to see it struggling like this. I asked Nigel if he’d maybe think about taking over as leader again but he tells me he wants to start his own new party in the Fall, so I have decided to get involved. I want to make UKIP great again.’
I’m a Tinpot Crackpot, hosted by Phillip Schofield and Holly Willoughby, will see eight moronic bigots vie for the position of UKIP Leader. In a series of nightly tasks designed to put them under the pressure of real life situations, one-by-one they will be voted off the ‘bonkers ballot paper’ leaving a final showdown due to be broadcast on Easter Sunday.
Details are sketchy, but it’s understood that one round will see the all male line-up at a cocktail party having to cop off with a glamorous blonde model who wouldn’t normally piss on them even if they were on fire. How they then deal with the resultant scandal when she posts racist tweets online is sure to prove taxing.
Another round will see the contestants attempting to hold a civil conversation with an extended Asian family and a same sex marriage couple in a coffee shop run by a group of Eastern European baristas. At no time can they mention the words ‘scroungers’ ‘bible’ or ‘benefits’ as doing so will mean instant elimination from the contest.
Cowell is remaining tight-lipped about what he has lined up for the final, but a source close to the entertainment mogul has suggested it may well involve some strings of bunting, a twenty foot flagpole with Union Jack, Donald Trump live via satellite from The White House and a whole box of Kleenex.