Armed standoff as salesman ‘flips out’ over use of banal business jargon

Police have been called to a conference centre in Dudley after a man has reportedly tried to assassinate the keynote speaker.

Details are sketchy but it’s believed that Brian Paulson, a Rep from Oxford, was attending a sales conference when the amount of meaningless business-speak being used caused him to ‘lose it’.

Tony McDonald, one of Brian’s colleagues told reporters: ‘Our Sales Director was giving a presentation and I noticed that when he mentioned the word ‘synergy’ at the very start of it Brian began to twitch violently. When the phrases ‘touch base’ and ‘passionate about…’ were mentioned for possibly the tenth time inside the first five minutes Brian started to rock back and forth laughing out loud and cackling a maniacal way.’

‘However when the director said that he wanted us all to ‘gain significant learnings’ and ‘leverage important key takeaways’ from his presentation, Brian started screaming before reaching into his briefcase, taking out a gun and firing it towards the lectern. It’s just a miracle that no one was injured.’

Professor Bill Ryan from University of Warwick explains the psychology at work here in the typical middle manager environment of today’s business world. ‘The sheer volume of this meaningless bollocks being trotted out by self-important wankers who are lost up their own arses and completely despised by their subordinates is becoming overwhelming for anyone with even half a brain to have to endure, and therefore incidences of these types of events are increasing alarmingly.’

Meanwhile Brian is still believed to be at large somewhere in the hotel and trained police officers, equipped with the relevant skill sets are trying to engage with him, viz-a-viz obtaining a suitably peaceful conclusion to the standoff going forward.

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