Defence Secretary, Gavin Williamson, has surprised colleagues today by announcing that he is to become a cage fighter after showing his ‘hard-as-fuck’ credentials earlier this week when he told Russia just exactly what it could do with itself.

Speaking to Sky Sports he said: ‘See me? Well I’m well hard and stuff and shit like that. No one had better mess with me or I’ll get my Dad and big brother onto them and then they’ll be sorry.’

Now signed to the Barry Hearn Matchroom stable Mr Willaimson’s first bout, live on Sky Box Office, against Connor McGregor, is already lined up for May this year. ‘Gav’s one hell of a fighter and I for one wouldn’t like to be Connor when he mixes it with ‘Big G’ as he now calls himself, ‘ says Hearn.

And Williamson agrees: ‘Yah-boo-sucks to him, coz he’s a big silly Irishman and probably only eats potatoes and smells of Guinness. And he holds is trousers up with a piece of string and wears wellies with ‘L’ and ‘R’ on them so he knows what foot to put them on. Nah-nee, nah-nee foo-foo, Connor smells like poo-poo!’

McGregor was remaining tight-lipped refusing to be drawn into trading insults with Williamson but said rather ominously: ‘I think I’ll let my fighting do the talking in the cage on the night.’

*Photo – really badly photoshopped by Blether Pictures Editor.