The government has announced that it intends to bring in legislation that will see new tough laws written into the statute book specifically designed to crack down on, some say, the scourge of modern pop music widely known as Boy Bands.

Speaking in the Commons, Minister of Culture Media and Sport Matthew Hancock said: ‘The time has come for us to do something about this vile trade. Britain gave the world the Beatles, The Kinks and Rolling Stones, true innovators and talented musicians. Recent years have seen us offer Take That, Boyzone and One Direction. Talentless dancing puppets who are a joke creatively and now make Britain a laughing stock on the global music stage.’

It’s understood that pressure has been building now for some time, with loud calls for regulation of the genre ever since JLS began featuring heavily in the charts, but the final straw appears to have been when Rak-Su won last year’s X Factor.

But unrepentant, the mastermind behind many of these so-called ‘bands’, Simon Cowell, has hit out at the proposals. ‘It is my right to use my unchallenged monopoly of prime time entertainment shows to flood the media and airwaves with this kind of utterly soulless and talentless formulaic shite if I see fit to, and if kids out there want to buy it then nothing should be put in their way that would hinder me from getting even richer… no… erm … the bands making a few quid, I mean.’

Meanwhile Louis Walsh, a high-profile collaborator with Cowell, is believed to have gone into hiding after it was revealed a warrant has been issued for his arrest for historical crimes against music, specifically after he put together Westlife and inflicted their third-rate karaoke rubbish on the nation.