With one year to go before Britain leaps off the cliff into the terrifying abyss of the unknown and Brexit is officially completed, the vexatious issue of Ireland’s border has consistently refused to resolve itself.

Until today that is, for in a speech this evening, Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson, will say that the Irish Border is no longer a factor because the British Government will now simply refuse to consider it.

Speaking to Europe’s media he said: ‘I-I-I-I-I, ummm – ummm -ummm, look,  we have always rode roughshod over Ireland for the last five hundred years, and the mistake we have been making is to even consider them as in any way relevant with regard to the Brexit issue.’

‘So going forward we’re simply ignoring them. If they bring up any tricky questions we’ll stick pencils up our nose and our fingers in our ears and go Wheeeeeeeeeeeee! so we can’t hear them, and meanwhile press ahead with our own agenda, the UK’s agenda, HURRAH!, which after all is the thing that really matters here.’

But the plan has not played well in Stormont and DUP leader, Arlene Foster, has made it clear that if her party does not get an acceptable and workable solution then they will end their opportunistic and shameful propping-up of the lame-duck Tory administration and force a General Election.

Said Mr Johnson upon hearing Mrs Foster’s remarks: ‘Wheeeeeeeeeeeee! ‘ whilst sticking a pencil up each nostril and his fingers in his ears.