Work and Pensions Secretary, Esther McVey, has lamented the lack of keenness among Britain’s teenagers to get themselves a weekend job, and has announced that the government is now to step in by introducing a new scheme that will see up to 95% of everyone between sixteen and twenty holding down Saturday jobs by this time next year.

‘I owe everything I have to my first Saturday job and I feel that today’s teens are missing out on so many life skills by not engaging in this activity. Therefore we are introducing a new compulsory initiative whereby upon reaching sixteen, kids must register to declare themselves ‘available for work’, after which they will be given three choices, one of which they must accept,’ said the former TV glamour-girl presenter turned MP.

She then went on to confirm that already there has been an overwhelming interest in the scheme from certain market sectors, with the chimney sweeping, fish-gutting and shit-shoveling trades all keen to cooperate with the department to give teens a start.

‘Now I’m not sure if we will be able to secure payments at national minimum wage levels, but at least even if it’s around £1.50 per-hour they’ll be earning some pocket money and starting to make their way on life’s amazing journey. I very much see this as the caring side of this Tory Government and a side that sadly does not get enough media coverage,’ she added.