End low-budget insurance ads demand patronised viewers

Calls are growing for an immediate and total ban of life insurance adverts featuring unlikely couples delivering dreadfully stilted and completely unnatural clunky dialogue. It’s understood that viewers across Britain are jamming switchboards to say they are fed up with being patronised by the plethora of ‘rubbish ads.’

Media Analyst Brian Payne says: ‘It’s a modern scourge that seems to have established a firm foothold on ad breaks across all channels. Opinion is divided on whether the adverts are intentionally dreadfully staged and badly acted, or if budgets are so small that decent actors and writers simply cannot be engaged to produce them.’

One jobbing actor just out of RADA and who has actually starred in an insurance ads explains: ‘It’s a cleft stick to be honest. I know they’re dire but I want to act, and it was a job to go on my CV. What am I supposed to do? Retain my artistic integrity and take a job flipping burgers instead, in the hope Steven Spielberg rocks up for a Whopper and spots me?’

Meanwhile Insurance Industry spokespersons, Neville Hughes and Monica Chapman, moved to defend the trend.

Said Neville: ‘You-know,-when-Mum-died-we-wanted-to-give-her-a-good-send-off-even-though-we-were-strapped-for-cash. Luckily-she-had-taken-out-an-Old-Timer-Plan-and-we-had-a-fantastic-day-when-we-found-it-in-the-biscuit-tin-behind-her-wardrobe-and-then-had-her-cremated.’

‘That’s-right-Neville-AND-there-was-even-enough-money-left-over-for-a-couple-of-lovely-bottles-of-Prosecco-which-as-you-know-was-Mum’s-favourite-tipple,’ added Monica.

Yes-indeed-Monica-It-was-a-wonderful-day. Everyone-agreed-we-were-were-so-lucky-Mum-had-died-because-it-gave-the-whole-family-a-great-time-for-no-financial-outlay-of-our-own-whatsoever.’

‘Yes, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!’ they both laughed somewhat unconvincingly.

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