Home Secretary, Amber Rudd, is to tell Parliament later today that in an attempt to clean up London’s current spate of knife and gun crime, she has appointed DCI Gene Hunt to head up a new task force.
‘Once we have the necessary wormhole opened in the space-time continuum, Mr Hunt and his team will be teleported to 2018 and immediately briefed on the current situation. He will then be given all necessary clearances to allow him and his colleagues to get on with the job in hand,’ Mrs Rudd told John Humphrys.
However already the appointment has not proven popular, with Shadow Home Secretary Diane Abbott telling reporters: ‘This shows the Tories haven’t a clue how to deal with what is a rapidly worsening situation. Mr Hunt is a maverick and loose cannon; a misogynist and quite possibly a borderline racist too. But setting all that aside… he is a fictional character and doesn’t actually exist!’
But speaking to Eamonn Holmes on GMB earlier, via some kind of special science-fiction thingamajig that you needn’t bother yourself about, DCI Hunt was quick to hit back: ‘So the Gene Genie doesn’t exist, eh? Well Bollocks to that love! I’m as real as Jeremy Corbyn’s unreserved respect for Boris Johnson’s diplomatic abilities. Listen Eamonn, I’m on my way with Ray and Chris and we’re gonna get this heap of steaming bovine excrement cleaned up.’
‘So here’s my message to any little knife-toting, gun-slinging shit-heads who get get in my way. I will rip your knackers off you with my bare hands and ram them down you skinny little throats. That’s the gospel according to Gene Hunt: chapter 7 – verse 1. Right, and that’s enough time wasted gabbing. Let’s fire up the Quatro, lads, we’re on our way!’