In the midst of a turbulent and tense East/West standoff that might just precipitate World War 3, there is news today that in a most unlikely global agreement between all nations, Jazz music is to be phased out from July 1st 2018.

Anyone playing or streaming Jazz live or listening to it on CD after this date can expect substantial fines or even a prison term. Life sentences not having been ruled out in extreme cases, say if it’s Cleo Laine singing that trademark ‘Scoop-boopa-dooby-do whee-weeee! scat thing she does at the drop of a hat.’

Speaking at the UN after a drum roll and cymbal crash intro, Secretary General António Guterres, said: ‘This is a truly groundbreaking decision and one that is most welcome. Jazz music is widely regarded as one of the most self-indulgent art forms ever to have evolved, worse even than Tracey Emin or Banksy, and a world without what is largely self-pleasuring musical masturbation is a better world as far as we are all concerned.’

However Jazzman, Jamie Cullum, has vowed that he will fight the ban as long as he still has a breath left in his body. ‘It is an inalienable right for anyone who wants to listen to a thirty-minute improvised jazz-blues jam session based around the chord of D m7b5 to do so. And a world without the double bass solo just doesn’t bear thinking about,’ he told BBC Breakfast.

However he did concede that perhaps a world without jazz saxophonists tootling endlessly on and on, playing three thousand notes a minute, might perhaps be acceptable.