That bloke that you keep bumping into in the kitchen when you’re on the mid-afternoon tea round is beginning to take its toll on your joie de vivre, claims a new scientific paper published today.

According to the paper’s author, Professor Alwyn Rees-Williams: ‘It’s not that he’s stalking you in any way. The fact that you both seem to arrive in the kitchen at the same time is down to nothing other than pure chance.’

‘But because you have now run out of silly expressions to pull when you meet him and have no more small talk to make then this is what’s exacerbating the problem. It’s a bummer but that’s life.’

You told us: ‘He’s nearly always there every sodding day! It’s becoming more awkward every time it happens and it nearly ended in total disaster on Tuesday.’

‘We were both waiting for the kettle to boil when I sneezed and inadvertently dropped a silent fart at the same time. As the foul aroma of my lunch break egg and onion sarnies rose up and enveloped us it was touch and go I can tell you,’ you added.

But the bloke in question has hit back saying: ‘It’s bloody awful. I keep seeing this same chap in the kitchen and I’m at my wits’ end. He’s a complete cock if I’m being honest. He keeps pulling bloody stupid faces, like he’s having a seizure every time he sees me, and his small talk is just so dull dull DULL!’

‘And you know even worse, I thought the dirty bastard had shit himself on Tuesday. The stench was appalling. If we can’t somehow break the this vicious cycle I’m thinking of getting a new job.’