Samaritans call centres and A & E departments have been overrun today with a seemingly endless wave of elderly people either calling them or turning up off the street to complain about the current heatwave.

Seventy-one year-old Stan Reynolds from  Aberystwyth is typical. ‘It’s just too warm,’ he told reporters. ‘Last week was too wet and the week before that was too cold. As a matter of fact back then I said to my friend, Mrs Walsh, that it was too wet and cold and that what we needed was a bit of nice warm Summery weather. But now we’ve had three days of it in a row I’d like it to get cold and wet again. It’s just too warm.’

And eighty-one year-old Winnie Barnes from Peckham agrees. ‘Oh it’s far too warm for me. I like it just in between being too warm and it being too cold. But it’s too warm now. I don’t like it this warm.’

Meanwhile a spokesman for The Met Office told Phillip Schofield on This Morning: ‘The weather is unseasonably warm beyond all doubt. However perhaps if we were to legalise euthanasia in Britain, then we would no longer have to listen to this pointless winging and complaining by silly old buggers once temperatures rise above sixty-five degrees centigrade.’