Car manufacturer Audi has announced that all of its new models are to be fitted with state-of-the-art ‘arrogant bastard software’ from next year.

Audi spokesman Lars Ullman said: ‘All of our divers think they own the road and drive with astounding levels arrogance already, so really it was a natural progression for our engineers to build in new enhancements that will make this even easier and more pleasurable for our customers.’

It’s understood that the centrepiece for the software package will be based around new ‘Aggressive Cruise Control’ which will allow Sales Reps and other assorted dicks to automatically cut you up at the very last second where motorway lane closures and two-lanes-merging-into-one traffic systems are coming up.

‘The beauty here is that our drivers will still be able to remain on their phones, make notes on their calls and so on, without even having to take time to perform the manoeuvre themselves. The car handles it all automatically,’ says Ullman enthusiastically.

One Audi driver, Piers Waltham, a National Sales Manager in the construction industry commented: ‘So, firstly I’d just like to say ‘so’ for no good reason whatsoever. Right. This is really exciting and I already have my order placed for a new R8. You see, as I’m a complete and utter self-opinionated wanker, just ask any of my team, then it’s the natural choice for me, going forward.’