As the current heatwave enters its fourth day The NHS has declared a national emergency saying that it is now stretched far beyond breaking point.

Dr Raj Singh, an A&E Registrar said: ‘We have been hit by a twin-pronged offensive and have been overrun as a result. Cases of chronic sunburn and sunstroke are coming in by the hour and coupled with an epidemic of food poisoning, then together this has tipped us over the edge.’

One of Dr Singh’s patients, Reg Phillips from Chingford who described himself as ‘a bit of a geez’, was admitted to A&E by ambulance suffering 90% burns after getting pissed in a Southend pub then falling asleep on the beach for ten hours in the blazing sunshine wearing only a pair of Speedos.

‘My mates thought it would be a right laugh to let me get burnt to a frazzle, the bastards!’ said a rueful Reg from behind a thick wad of bandages and ointment.

Another typical case is family of four, the Chapmans, all suffering from severe botulism after dad, Bill, failed to cook pork steaks and chicken thighs until the juices ran clear during a family barbecue on Friday evening. Said mum Julie, from her bed in the ICU: ‘Oh Christ, I feel like I’m dying.’

Meanwhile people in Italy, Spain and Portugal are said to be greatly amused as once more hapless Brits get it completely wrong as soon as the sun shines. ‘Briteesh are craizee peoples and is going bonkers every time the sun, she peeps her head out,’ chuckled Juan Gomez a waiter from Marbella.