A report recently published confirmed something that you’ve already known for years. Your next door neighbour is a total idiot, and now that it’s official you can breathe a sigh of relief.

The report’s author Dr David Pettigrew told journalists: ‘We interviewed over two thousand next door neighbours and findings are now conclusive. Your neighbour is a noisy idiot who plays loud music, he cooks smelly food and often parks in your parking space in the street.’

‘His wife is even more irritating with her stupid bloody laugh – and as for his kids? Our research shows that they could definitely do with a good kick up the arse, especially that big gangly one who looks like Peter Crouch.’

But it’s not all good news because your neighbour when asked his opinion on you has pointed out many of the exact same irritations, and in particular your insufferable air of superiority makes him want to smack you round the head with a cricket bat.

Conflict Resolution Counsellor, Myles Wilson, says: ‘This shows that modern living in a busy fast-paced world is stressful. So I would suggest you both get together over a beer and talk through your pent-up feelings of anger, resentment and hatred of each other.’

Tension is released when you both tell Myles to ‘go and fuck himself’ after which you shake hands with your neighbour and invite him and his wife around for drinks next Friday.