The Department of Media Culture and Sport has finally given in to years of lobbying by real musicians and revoked has Simon Cowell’s entertainment licence, which has been allowing him to flood the world of pop music with utter shite channeled directly from his two ‘talent’ shows, Britain’s Got Talent and The X Factor.

A spokesman for the department said: ‘We finally had to move in view of the weight of sheer pressure we were being put under by real musicians with talent who had worked for years perfecting their craft. The final straw came when Rak-Su won X Factor last year. Something had to be done. This country needs many things but what we don’t need is one more fucking totally useless so-called boy band, oh, sorry about that, err…please excuse my language.’

There have also been rumours circulating within TV circles that multi-millionaire Cowell has been growing tired of the talent show monopoly that he has been gifted by ITV for years, allowing him to make millions at the expense of the general public and gullible wannabe karaoke hopefuls.

He was unavailable for comment but a source close to the black t-shirted, high-waist trousered pop Svengali said: ‘Simon’s considering his position currently and may challenge this decision in the courts. However he did mention to me just recently that even he is getting fed up with the utter garbage he’s been inflicting on the public for years, and that he was thinking of calling it a day and joining a monastery. So we’ll just have to wait and see.’