Panic is spreading through the United Kingdom Eurovision camp this evening, as it’s just been announced that tonight’s Grand Final is to introduce a last minute change to voting. Out will go ‘nul points’ and it will be replaced by a new optional category were each country’s jury can ‘award’ an additional minus 12 points to the country they think is the worst.
A shocked Graham Norton is already believed to be on his way to Lisbon Airport after telling his agent: ‘No point in hanging around tonight as I don’t think we’re likely to win with a total of minus 510 votes.’
Meanwhile it’s understood the BBC is considering pulling the plug on live transmission of the annual extravaganza, and has lined up repeats of the final 6 episodes of doomed soap, Eldorado to show instead.
A Eurovision source who wished not to be named, but is called Juan Gomez, said: ‘It’s really quite simple. Most of Europe disliked the UK before you voted for Brexit, but now that dislike has turned to total unadulterated hatred and loathing.’
‘The UK couldn’t win the contest even if you were the only competitors. Even if a totally bollock-naked Cheryl writhing around in a bath full of whipped cream was your act. As a matter of fact I fully expect your own jury to make representation to the organisers before we go live to allow you to award minus 12 to yourselves, just so they don’t feel left out.’