Donald Trump has been rushed to hospital in Washington to undergo emergency pioneering ‘own ass extraction surgery’.
It’s understood he was taken ill in the Oval Office when drafting a raft of executive orders against some people who mildly disagree with him when an aide found him collapsed over his desk. Medics were called and Mr Trump was rushed to St Olaf’s Medical Centre Washington DC.
Paramedic, Josh Clifford, who was first on the scene, described what he and his colleagues found on arrival at The White House. ‘President Trump looked in a pretty bad way but we revived him by whispering the word ‘no’ in his ear which had the desired effect.’
‘He immediately leapt up and started shouting “Whaddayah mean ‘NO’ fella! I’m right, FACT. I’m the best goddamn leader the free world has ever had – TRUE!! I cannot be wrong and the word NO does not exist – FAKE WORD!”
‘We were taken aback by the force of his reaction and feared that he might have a coronary incident there and then, so we gave him a quick shot to tranquillise him and took him to the hospital.’
Dr Dean Schneider, a senior registrar at St Olaf’s told reporters: ‘Mr Trump is really quite ill and must undergo this procedure to save his life. We are waiting for Professor David Wilkins to arrive from London who is the world’s leading surgeon in this field and who will lead the President’s operating team.’
It’s understood Mr Trump is currently in a coma but doctors are playing tape loops of his boot-licking yes mean and assorted flunkies saying ‘Yes Mr President, sir’ ‘Right away Mr President’ and ‘Hail to the Chief, sir’ which appear to be keeping him in a comfortable condition.
His bedside is surrounded by cardboard cutouts and portraits of himself and if his condition stabilises ahead of the operation then it is expected that his son, Don Jnr, daughter Ivanka and The First Lady may also be allowed into his room to keep vigil.
But its a very tense time for the Trump family and indeed the wider world because ‘own ass extraction surgery’ has only been attempted once with somewhat limited success. Last year Professor Wilkins carried out the first operation on Jeremy Clarkson in an nine-hour session at Guy’s Hospital and now Clarkson, still widely regarded by many as a self-aggrandising pillock, has only shown signs of humility on two occasions since, so it is by no means conclusive that he has been cured.
And experts are saying that compared to Clarkson then President President Trump is now so far up his own ass that no surgeon, no matter how gifted, will ever be able to get him out.