Queen orders scuppering of Royal Barge Gloriana as Prince Philip begins a second week in hiding

With concerns for the health of The Duke of Edinburgh now ever-present in news bulletins, it has emerged that he’s been in hiding since Harry and Meghan’s wedding, after it was suggested last week that the occasion should be marked by another river pageant, similar to that of the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee in 2012, when the happy couple return from honeymoon.

Sources close to the Duke in 2012 commented that the event ‘very nearly did for him’ and as no doubt many will recall, he was subsequently hospitalised afterwards for a week.

One courtier on Philip’s staff who didn’t want to be named said: ‘The poor man was terrified by the prospect of standing around beside the Thames once more watching another load of stupid bloody boats chuffing up and down, in what would undoubtedly be, given Britain’s useless weather, the pissing frigging pouring rain again.’

Extensive searches have so far not been unable to locate His Royal Highness and fears are now growing for his wellbeing.

So much so that in a dramatic move The Queen has ordered the scuppering of the Royal Barge, Gloriana, to be televised tomorrow live on ITV’s This Morning to show her husband that all is now safe, the danger has passed and he can return home safely.

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