A new research study published today says that next door’s cat is preprogrammed to shit in your flowerbeds and dig up your dahlias but there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.

Dr Felix Mayer, of The British Veterinary Association, whose team undertook the research explains. ‘Cats come with an inbuilt sense of malice and smug aloofness’

‘This can only be penetrated briefly when owners stand at their back doors, banging a can of Whiskas with a spoon and shouting the cat’s name in some stupidly high-pitched and what they imagine is an endearing way.’

‘But once they have eaten the food and have no more to gain by even so much as acknowledging anyone’s existence, let alone that of their owner, cats revert to their fiercely selfish agendas.’

‘They fully understand the fragile politics of inter-neighbour relations and they get enormous pleasure upsetting this dynamic by not shitting on their own doorsteps, but by doing so on your’s instead.’

And the research seems to be borne out by cats themselves. Purred one moggy, Tiddles, owned by an unmarried male thirty-nine year-old IT Manager.

‘I love getting my owner into trouble by pissing on prize lawns in our street. Last week I caused a right old kerfuffle when the stupid fool came out shouting the odds and squared up to this big guy to defend me.’

‘I mean how was I to know the new next door neighbour was a professional wrestler and was going to beat seven bells out of my poor ickle-wickle master?’