Shock as Theresa May replaces First Sea Lord with ‘Admiral’ girl

In what is being seen as a desperate attempt to switch media attention from Britain’s shambolic Brexit negotiations totally mired in wholesale bungling by herself and her cabinet ministers, Theresa May has sensationally sacked First Sea Lord, Sir Philip Jones, and replaced him with that woman off the Admiral Insurance adverts.

Speaking to John Humphrys on Today Mrs May said: ‘I think it’s about time we shook up this fuddy-duddy world of navy larks and salty old seamen. It’s time for a change, and I believe the Admiral girl’s no-nonsense approach, nice blue trouser suit and tricorn hat will bring a welcome alternative to all those silly old gold chains and braided caps nonsense.’

But the move has created another headache for the beleaguered PM as already there is a clamour for her to have Foreign Secretary, Boris Johnson, ‘sail off into the blue horizon’, after he welcomed the new appointment in a somewhat less than politically correct way.

Doorstepped on his way into the Foreign Office he commented: ‘Phoar! I know the one you mean. She’s a real piece of top totty alright!’ before hastily backtracking and adding ‘erm… and if anything I have said about this lady’s appointment is subsequently chosen to be taken out of context, then of course, I apologise unreservedly if my comments offended anyone. Particularly my missus as she’d be liable to make me walk the plank.’

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