Plans are being drawn up by County Councils across the land that will soon see Morris Dancing totally banned form pub beer gardens, village greens and country fairs. The move comes following a survey that shows it is having a detrimental affect on Britain’s tourist numbers.

John Usher, a regular at The Six Bells pub in Berkshire commented: ‘Having a bunch of beardy, malodorous and overweight men arseing around outside, playing diddly-diddly music, wearing smocks and bells should never be allowed under any circumstances. Why can’t they take up train spotting or something more practical?’

But the ancient art form was stoutly defended by its National President, Charlie ‘Caper-Caper’ Clarke, who told Mariella Frostrup on Sky Arts : “Well I don’t roightly know what’s meant to be wrong with Morris Dancin’. There’s plenty o’ them as likes it, me  little dear me little darlin’. Now you tell me what could be better of a lovely sunny Summer’s evenin’ than six blokes, a fiddle and a concertina making lovely music and Morris Men a-leapin’ all about, drinking beer and a-fartin and a-burpin in the faces of tourists? Absolutely fabaluss I’d say, me pretty!’