‘Don’t tell him, Pike’ or you’re nicked

Summer is now firmly with us and the nation moves into alfresco overdrive, new legislation is to be introduced that will see hitherto popular lines from comedies and sitcoms – say when friends are engaging in banter with one another in pub beer gardens etc. – become criminal offences.

A spokesman from The Department of Media Sport and Culture said: ‘We had to move on this as complaints have been on the rise about noisy groups of people guffawing and cackling when others just want to enjoy a nice bottle of Chablis at a restaurant in the beautiful weather.’

Consequently from July 1st it will be a crime to say – ‘Don’t tell him, Pike’ or to do the ‘Eurn ne-nurn nur nur-nur! Eurn ne-nurn nur nur-nur’ music David Brent does before launching into his iconic dance from The Office. Both of these will carry an on-the-spot fine of £200.

Impersonations of Del Boy, or using any of his catchphrases whatsoever, will carry the same fine with a suspended prison sentence of six months implemented for a second offence. If anyone says ‘You dirty old man’ like Harold Steptoe it will trigger an automatic custodial sentence and those using the Tony Hancock line: ‘… but a pint! That’s nearly an armful’ will receive a five-year jail term.’

When asked for clarification as reporters were unsure of the exact implications of the new laws the spokesman said: ‘Look at my face. Face… bovvered… am I bovvered!?’

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