‘Once Brexit has been completed and the UK is finally disentangled from the EU, then the so-called ‘Pest of Zorro’ will be no more. Make no mistake about that.’

So says Arch Brexiteer and bungling bull-in-a-china-shop, Boris Johnson, commenting in The Daily Mail on a recently discovered infestation of Japanese Sawflies that are attacking elm trees in Britain.

‘Proud, majestic and stout British Elms are under attack from nasty, underhand and grubby little Japanese flies with their slimy larvae wreaking havoc. Doubtlessly they have come into Britain illegally, more than likely smuggled in on boats entering through these bally Southern European ports,’ continues the galumphing misinformed priceless oaf, adding, ‘but once we regain control of our borders we’ll see these wriggly-wiggly ziggy-zaggy Zorro zombies sent packing.’

However in an attempt to correct Johnson, woodland expert Gareth Jeeves, argues: ‘Mr Johnson’s simplistic and jingoistic assessment of the crisis, largely (mis) informed in his quest to look endlessly for votes from bigoted xenophobic morons, is sadly wrong. This is a global shift in insect migration brought about by many scientific changes; not least by ongoing global warming.’

But The Foreign Secretary (yes he REALLY is… honestly!) swiftly hit back: ‘Ah yes indeedy-dee-dee, Global Warming… Ha-ha-ha, pull the other one. That’s just a bit of made-up mumbo-jumbo by Johnny Foreigner and his evil boffins.’

‘Let me promise Britain this. Once Brexit is secured, Britannia rules the waves and her Empire is restored to its former glory, then there will be no more of these horrible illegal creepy-crawlies or that Global Warming nonsense.’

‘And now if you’ll excuse me I’m off for a game of wiff-waff with some of the chaps that I was up at Oxford with. Yippity-tippity poppity poo-poos!’