The Tory Party is desperate to somehow achieve the impossible and arrive at an agreement that will see them attempt to move the Brexit process forward. With this in mind Prime Minister Theresa May cobbled together a ‘last gasp’ meeting to be held at Chequers today. NewsBiscuit has obtained a leaked copy of the agenda.

Cabinet ‘Last Gasp’ Session – Chequers July 6th 2018

AGENDA

9.30 Arrival Coffee and Victoria Sponge Slices

10.00 Introduction and general housekeeping matters (TM)

10.15 Overview of progress made on Brexit negotiations since June 2016 (DD)

10.15.30 Brainstorming session – Topic ‘What the fuck are we to do next?’ (All)

13.00 Lunch and handling of departmental crises (All)

14.00 The Case for Soft Brexit (TM)

15.00 Motivational guest speaker – Jacob Rees-Mogg Via Facetime (J R-M & All)

15.59 The Irish Border

16.00 A case for Hard Brexit – Sticking it to Johnny Foreigner – (BJ, MG, DD)

17.00 Inter-party bitter infighting and open hostility (All)

18.00 Refreshment Break and more crises handling

19.00 Brexit – ‘The Third Way’ (Anyone?…)

20.00 Hastily convened press call to pretend a consensus has been reached (TM, BJ, DD, MG)

21.00 Dinner

23.30 Widespread leaking and  briefing against everyone else (All)

24.00 Stick pencils up noses and say ‘Wibble’ then carry on as per past two years (All)

01.55  Date of next meeting – TBC ad nauseam

02.00 Meeting closes in total disarray