As heatwave conditions continue around the globe Beelzebub, citing breaches of health and safety guidelines in the workplace, has announced the Fiery Pits of Hell are to be extinguished until working temperatures for him and his acolytes return to more acceptable levels. The move has thrown Heaven, but in particular God and his Director Of Operations Saint Peter, into an unprecedented crisis.
Speaking at The Golden Gates Peter told reporters: ‘This is bang out of order what Satan’s doing. I got bad souls stacking up all around me here with nowhere to send them. Some’s proper evil bastards too. How can I let them in to experience the eternal reward enjoyed by the good and holy? More than my job’s worth and over my dead body!’
‘Satan’s being a right git. He should just get on with his torturing duties like what countless thousands of others are doing in sweltering call centres everywhere, and pack in his bleating.’
But Satan has hit back: ‘Oh yeah, sure. Ain’t that just typical of old goody-two-shoes Pete, with his la-di-da holier-than-thou attitude. Listen, the things I could tell you about him and some of them angels would make your eyes water…’
‘Of course the way he cracks on butter wouldn’t melt…. well obviously in this heat it would vaporise instantaneously, but see that’s just my point! Jabbing at suffering souls with a burning trident in this bleedin’ heat? Are you kidding me?’
Meanwhile with the Met Office forecasting no end to the soaring temperatures for the foreseeable future, leading psychics and spiritualists are predicting a massive spike in the level of hauntings and terrifying ghostly apparitions.
Says TV Medium and charlatan, Derek Acorah: ‘As the spirits of the evil dead are not going to properly consigned to the everlasting agony of wailing and gnashing of teeth, then they’re gonna have a field day getting up to all sorts of spooky stuff. So I think if God is really omnipotent, like he says he is, then he needs to step in and put an end to this heatwave immediately.’