With Britain’s recent heatwave now nothing but a distant memory, The Met Office has issued an amber normal weather warning, urging everyone to be extremely careful now that temperatures and conditions have reverted to their normal Summer ‘cool and changeable’.
A spokesman said: ‘We really need to be extra vigilant as with the mercury having plummeted to 17° this will not be good, particularly for the elderly, who may be prepared to venture down the shops with their wheelie trolleys again, barking the shins of pedestrians as they dawdle around like zombies not bothering to look behind them.’
‘They may also be encouraged to congregate in supermarket aisles blocking them up while chuntering on with: ‘Oh, it’s a bit chilly today, Ada, ain’t it?’ and ‘I see Bert’s gone… hmm… yeah… heatstroke got him in the end.’
But it’s not all bad news as the dramatic change in our topsy-turvy weather has already seen a spike in the demand for thermal underwear, umbrellas, heavy overcoats, wooly scarves and balaclavas with one retail chain reporting bumper sales figures and another opening ten more outlets.
Meanwhile cutting a forlorn figure on Bournemouth Beach is Giuseppe Ricci of Giuseppe’s Ices, as he stands beside his van without even one customer waiting to be served at the hatch. He told us: ‘That’s it for me. I’ve been blasting out The Teddy Bears’ Picnic all morning on my chimes but I haven’t had one single customer. I’m ruined and thinking about taking the van down to Italy. Fuck-a this lousy British weather!’