Pensioners throughout the land are in a state of shock today as the nation’s big four supermarkets have announced that they will no longer be accepting special offer or two-for-one discount vouchers to pay for goods from September.

Commercial Director for Sainsbury’s, Gavin Thompson, said: ‘This is a move across the board to rid the majority of our customers from the scourge of standing in queues, sometimes for hours on end, as a succession of Berts and Adas pay for three cans of cat food, a tube of Polo Mints and a pack of Brillo Pads with seven different vouchers and a handful of pennies in loose change they’ve been keeping in a jam jar behind a piano.’

But sprightly eighty one year-old former school janitor, Bert Hillage, has hit back. ‘It’s a bleeding liberty, son. I relies on me vouchers to keep body and soul together. If this goes ahead then I’m likely gonna starve to death by Christmas.’

However Thompson and the other executives of Tesco, Morrisons and Asda remain unswerving, insisting they will not back down and there will be no last minute reprieve likely over the decision.

And there’s support too for the move from parliament as speaking on The World at One Jacob Rees-Mogg said: ‘Often times after having perambulated down the aisles in my local emporium, I frequently must endure a tedious delay upoon arriving at the reckoning station as the elderly, and indeed the poor too,  detain me overlong. Thus I must tarry in the queue before settling my account.’

‘These people must simply learn to use the much-prais’d and newfangl’d cards of credit to pay, or failing that there are always food banks.’