A new bill is to be brought before Parliament in the Autumn that will target people who dawdle around by escalators gawping at their mobile phones while not paying enough attention to what’s going on around them. Offenders could soon be facing a fine £1000, or in some cases short prison sentences.

Home Secretary Sajid Javid has given the green light for the move after he was sent flying ‘arse over tit by some stupid woman replying to a tweet’ in John Lewis Oxford Street recently. Mr Javid had been leaving the Hi-Fi Department when he ‘bumped into’ the woman who was reportedly so engrossed on her phone at the bottom of the escalator that she never noticed him coming up fast behind her.

Downing Street was making no comment last night but it’s understood that the new laws will be hurried through to be on the statute book as early as December in good time for the Christmas rush for mobile devices.

Meanwhile Professor of Pointless Research at Brunel University, Jeffrey Tompkins, said. ‘We have been studying the modern phenomenon of “pedestrian traffic-flow in conjunction with mobile phone usage in department store environments” for at least five years, and luckily so far nobody has rumbled our research as being a complete and utter waste of everyone’s time.’

‘But if I can just stretch it out for another eight months I’m retiring and the rest of them can go and take a flying fuck to themselves while I start to enjoy my very generous pension.