Upper class toff and clever clogs inventing boffin bloke, James Dyson, has applied his planet-sized brain to another non-problem in an effort to create the firm’s latest eye-wateringly expensive unnecessary household appliance.
Speaking on GMB he said: ‘The Dyson A. I. Toaster is truly revolutionary and a complete game-changer vis-à-vis bread-charring kitchen appliances. Its microchip-controlled unique A.I. brain analyses the surface-temperature of the toast three million times every half-nanosecond and will not pop the bread up until it is properly toasted. So no more setting and resetting the carriage until you finally burn your bread and then start the whole infuriating process again, by which time your bacon, scrambled eggs and tea have gone cold.’
Busy housewife, Jane Penny, is the first customer to receive a Dyson A.I. to evaluate its performance. ‘It’s amazing,’ she enthuses. ‘Perfect toast first time every time and with a choice of 10,000 different combinations of brownness and temperature it’s fantastic. Just set the finish you want with the accompanying control panel and away you go. I now would never be without it, and in an amazingly generous gesture Mr Dyson is going to let me keep mine for just half the retail price. It’s the best £950 I’ll ever spend.’
The product goes on general release tomorrow in John Lewis, with the top people’s store having been granted unique distribution rights. Large crowds of middle class fools with more money than sense are already causing an obstruction, as they camp out on the pavement at the company’s flagship store in London’s Oxford St ahead of tomorrow’s glitzy launch.