After keeping his head below the parapet for the past few days Boris Johnson has finally faced the media and delivered the apology that had been demanded from him by The Prime Minister, Muslim Community Leaders and his tailor.
Speaking outside his constituency office he said: ‘Ha-ha. Yippity yah-yah oojah cum spiff and a wiff-waff-woo, eh what? Porto portas portat, portamus portatus portant etcetera etcetera.’
‘Right so I-I-I- err… erm…would just like to apologise. Ah yes that’s the ticket. Dashed good show… jolly well done to me for remembering. I say, Matron, may I have some sweeties for being a big brave boy?’
‘Anyway… I’d just like to apologise for being a total and utter idiot. A self-aggrandising buffoon and twenty-four carat chump. Oh… ah yes, and I nearly forgot to add, a narcissistic moron only interested in furthering my own ruthless ambitions and how I can massage my own ego whilst pretending to care even one jot for the man on the Clapham Omnibus.’
‘And now that load of old piffle is settled, I’d like to thank you all for your time, and as my old Latin Master, Dr Julius Phipps-Covington, used to say – Si enim credimus quod tu credis – or something like that… if in doubt then look it up you bunch of proles. Right, I must skedaddle now so toodle-oo and see you all in Number 10 this Autumn. Hurrah!’
Following his statement immediate polling data suggests Johnson’s popularity rating has soared to 100% among right-wing bigots, racist xenophobes and all Sky News presenters.
Steve Bastard a staunch Johnson supporter from Canvey Island said: ‘That’s Boris for you ain’t it? He’s a real true gent and I can’t wait ’til he gets to be Prime Minister hisself. Him and Trump will sort the world out good and proper.’