Crestfallen cat owners are down in the dumps today as new research has confirmed that their treasured pets don’t actually give two shiny shites about them.
Research Veterinary Surgeon, Dr Olroyd Williams says: ‘Owners are totally erroneous in thinking that their ‘darling Tiddles’ brings them in presents of small dead animals.’
Nothing of the sort I’m afraid. Cats are natural cold and calculating hunters and will kill anything they can get their claws into.’
‘If they were large enough they’d savage their owners to death ripping them to shreds in a heartbeat. Right proper vicious evil bastards they are!’
‘Cats are aloof and independent too, showing no empathy whatsoever,’ continues Dr Williams, ‘And would not normally give their owner so much as a second thought if it wasn’t for cans of Whiskas and boxes of GoCat’.
But sixty five-year old bachelor, Jay Cooper, who keeps fifteen cats disagrees. ‘All of my “special little friends” love me with a passion. They adore and worship me, especially at feeding time, and you know sometimes I think they can actually read my mind through some sort of special cat ESP.’
‘I wouldn’t be without them despite the cost of the ointment I need to buy for treating my cuts and scratches, and in complete honesty, after all these years I’m used to the smell of piss and cat shit throughout the house.’