Simon Jones, a can-do, go-getting self-starting sales professional from Ashby de la Zouch, is believed to have become Britain’s first person to have become despised and held in utter contempt by absolutely everyone he encounters, and that even includes his Mum, Sheila!
She told us: ‘Don’t get me wrong Simon used to be a lovely lad right up until he became a Rep for a Widget and Flange Manufacturing Company.’
‘But after just one week in the job he seemed to turn into a complete and utter wanker. He started gelling his hair and became a sneering and arrogant boring pain in the arse, constantly banging on about closing deals and being “top dog on the team”.
‘He then began wearing sunglasses no matter what the weather, just perched them on top of his forehead he did. We were ashamed of the little prick so me and his Dad disowned him and turfed him out.’
Former fiancée, Janine Peters, agrees. ‘Around about the second day as a Rep all he would talk about was his Boss, Andy. It was Andy this, Andy that and Andy all day long twenty-four bloody seven!’
‘I eventually met this Andy at the firm’s barbecue. A narcissistic lard- arsed old tosser who tried to get me pissed on tequila slammers and shag me behind the bin sheds. He was an even bigger cock end than Simon had become.’
Simon has been in hospital now for three weeks but so far has not had one single visitor. When asked if he intends visiting his team’s top dog, boss-man Andy said: ‘No, definitely not. Si went a bit mental and that’s not a good place for any Rep to find himself. So we had to let him go.’
‘It’s a shame but at least his replacement, Nev, is shooting the lights out and pissing all over Si’s old numbers.’