The Irish Catholic Church finds itself in something of an embarrassing quandary today, following the results of a lucky draw were announced. The draw which saw all parishes in the country participate, offered priests the chance to officiate as cocelebrants of a Mass to be said by Pope Francis at Phoenix Park on Sunday during his visit to the county.

The winners, Parish Priest, Fr. Ted Crilly, his curate Fr. Dougal Maguire and the semi-retired Fr. Jack Hackett of the remote parish of Craggy Island on the south-west coast have been chosen, but it’s not playing well with senior clergymen.

Upon hearing the news their boss, His Most Reverend Excellency, Bishop Len Brennan said: ‘Ah, holy mother of God, not those three feckin’ eejits? Please tell me you’re kidding. They’ll make a complete feckin’ bollix of the whole thing. I’m not even sure any of them even knows what a Mass is. Ah, Jesus Christ, no! Sure this is a complete feckin’ disaster!!!’

Fr. Crilly has had something of a chequered career in the priesthood, with rumours of an embezzlement scandal over church funds being cited as the main reason he was posted out of ‘harms way’ to the remote parish. However when asked about the matter at today’s press conference he was adamant that the money discovered in his personal bank account was simply ‘resting there’ and that he had ‘fully intended to move it on at the earliest opportunity.’

It’s understood that there is a last minute action by senior churchmen underway to deselect the trio, however when an attempt was made by Garda Officers to take the three into custody, Fr. Hackett repeatedly began shouting ‘FECK! ARSE! DRINK! GIRLS!’ and punched every policeman who tried to apprehend him knocking each of them out stone-cold.

Meanwhile a clearly bemused Fr. Maguire was heard to say : Wow, Ted. Are we going to actually say Mass with that lad with the pointy hat and curly stick who live in the art gallery and wears a wedding dress? Wow!’