‘Wippity wallah bing-bong and a spiffity-liffity banga-boff-boosh! Erm… Hello Dragons! I’m Boris and this is Jacob and we’re here to ask you for seventy million pounds per week each, to help us save face with the public, and in true Conservative me-me-me fashion, in return we’re offering you nothing whatsoever.’
Viewers of Dragons’ Den watched in total disbelief as last night’s show opened with that exchange and saw Boris Johnson and Jacob Reed-Mogg ask for money to help smooth over the Brexit disaster that they’ve created.
A smiling Peter Jones was first to respond asking what he’d really get in return for his investment but the mood in the den quickly turned cool when Boris answered.
‘Well… erm… as we say, nothing, for you see we made something of a blunder and went told the people if they voted Brexit then that would free up around three hundred and fifty million a week for the NHS. Now of course that was absolute horse-shit, but if we can’t produce it then we’re going to look really bad,’ explained Johnson.
‘Yes my colleague is entirely correct, as the electorate believ’d our tall tales. We shall look rather bad indeed if we cannot produce this money, and with five of you all contributing the aforesaid sum weekly that will yield the amount requir’d and so save our reputations,’ added the sepulchral Rees-Mogg.
Then in a reversal of roles all five dragons went to consult one another at the back wall of the den before delivering the results of their deliberations. It was left to Debra Meaden to dash the hapless pair’s hopes with the programmes catchphrase ‘We’re all out!’
As the forlorn pair made their way from the den in the lift Johnson was heard to remark: ‘Bugger!’ while a clearly disconsolate Rees-Mogg asked: ‘Oh woe is me, Johnson, whatever shall we do, for it is my contention we are doom’d, as verily this initiative was but our last gasp and we shall be expos’d to ridicule by the populace at large’