A study paper published today has come to the conclusion that there is absolutely no point whatsoever to the television programmes made by so-called ‘survivalists’, Bear Grylls and Ray Mears, and as soon as networks stop making shows by both then the better it will be for the nation.

Author of the paper, Gyles Sears, said: ‘We studied a combined 80 hours of their programming, God help us, before coming to our conclusion. The relevance of surviving for eight weeks stranded out in some bloody jungle with nothing to sustain you but a bucket giraffe piss and a dollop of baboon shit that’s been purified somehow chimes with absolutely no-one in Britain but themselves.’

‘If there is any programme that the public would really like to see featuring this pair, and I honestly don’t think there is, it would perhaps be a Hunger Games type of show where they have to out-survive one another in a specially created dystopian post -Armageddon world with the winner then jumping off a fucking cliff.’

However appearing on The One Show and commenting on the study Grylls and Mears defended their output. ‘It is a vital skill to acquire in knowing how to survive in the wilderness when you have only what nature provides for you,’ said Grylls, with Mears agreeing: ‘Yes,that’s quite right Bear.’

But a tetchy Sears hit back: ‘My arse! It is a fact that you cannot be any further than half a mile from a McDonald’s or Starbucks on any part of the globe, so quite frankly I’d just shoot any marauding bastard tigers or whatever and go an get myself a Big Mac and Fries.’

‘Failing that I’d just stay at home with a bacon sandwich and a cuppa.’