In a last-gasp attempt to try and get some kind of even a half-arsed Brexit deal with Europe, despite realising that deep down she really hasn’t got a chance, Theresa May announced last night she has commissioned life-size latex puppets of Dr Liam Fox, Dominic Raab, Jeremy Hunt and herself to send to Brussels next week.
At a No.10 briefing a government spokesmen explained why the step has been taken to the puzzled media. ‘It’s no secret that the real versions have no credibility whatsoever throughout Europe, are throughly despised by all twenty-seven remaining EU Leaders and have about as much ability to negotiate as a fractious child who’s having a particularly bad day and has had a bag of their favourite sweeties taken off them.’
‘Therefore we decided that perhaps more ‘fun’ versions of our team might just be able to scrape together some kind of deal. God knows though, there’s not really a hope in hell but… we have to try something.’
When asked for his thoughts on the development Chief European Negotiator, Michel Barnier, commented: ‘Well I’ve not had much time to observe these puppets yet, but I must admit on first glance they seem to be a massive improvement on the real life versions inasmuch as they haven’t suggested anything stupid yet. Oh, and by the way, please tell me they don’t dance.’