After Boris Johnson’s attack on Theresa May this week, when writing in The telegraph he suggested she would win ‘diddly-squat’ for the UK in the EU in Brexit negotiations, Downing St has hit back slamming him for not having one single cogent idea worth consideration.

However the mop-topped over-privileged buffoon has countered swiftly insisting that his head is full of ‘spiffingly brilliant and fizz-banging wizard wheezes to put Johnny Foreigner on the back foot.’

He told reporters: ‘Ah-woojah Ah-woojah Ah-woojah-jah!! With a Bish and Bosh and a Biff-Biff Bong! So I have no ideas? Well let me say this. Life in Britain will no longer be a minestrone served up with Parmesan cheese post-Brexit. No way, Pedro, Pepe, Luigi, Sergio or whatever your rather silly-sounding foreign name is.’

‘When I am PM it will be served up with a nice strong Cheddar or maybe a nice and nutty stinky Stilton . Oh, and by the way, it won’t be Minestrone either. It will be a nice Brown Windsor. We need to hit the EU where it hurts really hard and that’s why I’m going for their cheeses. No ideas… moi? Well stick that idea in your pipe and smoke it Mrs May.’

‘And now if you’ll excuse me I’m off to ‘Silly Asses’ my club in Mayfair don’t you know? We’re playing three rubbers of Roger The Cabin Boy against a 1922 Committee All Stars team!’