That friend of yours who gives you a scene-by-scene blow-by-blow description of a TV drama that was on last night whenever he discovers that you haven’t seen it, just may not be the simpleton that you and your other friends have been taking him for over all these years.

Because today sees a new report published that suggests the joke might just be on you and he’s only doing it to wind you up.

Psychologist Vernon Wiseman, the report’s author explains. ‘Frequently called something like Jacob or Nigel he’s the one in your group with the greasy lank hair and wears a tank top. Naturally you feel a bit sorry for him and let him chunter on for twenty-five minutes about the latest load of old shite James Nesbitt’s starring in.’

‘But here’s the thing,’ says Wiseman, ‘he knows you would never watch it, and normally neither would he as it’s inevitably some kind of desperate formulaic old guff, but he endures it just so as he can bore you to death about it, while inwardly pissing himself laughing at your discomfort as you feign interest and promise you’ll record the series on catch up. He’s a right devious bastard and he has you all well and truly tucked up. My report concludes you’d need to watch him carefully.’

But Nesbitt, star of nearly every terrible drama series that’s been on TV for the past ten years, no matter what channel, has slammed the report as ‘utter nonsense.’

He told us: ‘This report is a complete load of oul ballix so it is. My shows are great so they are. Sure now just ask any of my mates and they’ll tell you how great I am.’