As the UK Government stumbles on blind and clueless making a total shambles of Brexit, news has emerged today of a fast-approaching shark-jump farrago, as according to Boris Johnson when he overthrows Mrs May he intends to have Donald Trump draw up a plan for the Irish border in respect of Brexit.

Speaking to like-minded morons at a fringe meeting in Wraysbury the narcissistic power-mad blithering idiot said: ‘Ma-hooga! Ma-hooga! Mwuff! Mwuff! Mwuff! Ha-ha, yes… err… umm… I’m told there’s some little inconsequential island that’s turning into a bit of a fly in the jolly old Brexit ointment. Some piffle about a border?’

‘Ah, well, but you see good news is I know a chap who can sort that out. Lots of experience doing it already. Donald Trump is an internationally respected world statesman and a diplomat par excellence. He’ll sort these troublesome Argies out. Whoops! I say, Matron, can you bring me my thunder mug! QUICKLY!’

However the news has sent seismic shock waves across all of Ireland with Nothern Ireland in particular receiving it with considerable trepidation.

DUP Leader Arlene Foster told reporters: ‘Och, for frig’s sake! Not only has our pay been halved, but now we’re likely going to have to start dealing with two of the world’s biggest wankers in just a matter of weeks. Sure this oul politics carry-on has me near scundered, so it has, and to be honest I’m thinking of throwing in the towel so I am.